If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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