i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
