I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize