in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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