Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
