I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
