you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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