He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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