dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
