mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My feet surprised me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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