I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
