I think scott just propositioned me for sex
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
