so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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