my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
