First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
nutella sex= disaster
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
