Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
