i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
