You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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