i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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