I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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