Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
