So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
