I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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