We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
