we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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