i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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