im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize