UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i think i have two assholes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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