Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
