her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
