Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i barfeds in our rink
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
