Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
