My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
