I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
