I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
