it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
