I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
