6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
