so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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