dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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