I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
