Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
