this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
