Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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