She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
