I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
