my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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