So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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