I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
