If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
