I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
