I accidentally burped into my bong.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
