Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
