The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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