good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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