I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
