You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
