When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
