She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
