I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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