Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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