she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
