you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize